


I'M OK

by xxxLxxx



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:28:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22524781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxLxxx/pseuds/xxxLxxx
Summary: “If you want me to go, then I will…”
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Jung Chanwoo/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Donghyuk/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Jinhwan/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Jiwon | Bobby/Song Yunheong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. KIM JIWON

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story after I'M OK released, so it was a old story. Please bear with any grammar mistakes as English not my first language. Please forgive me if this is not to your expectation and any mistakes. I hope you will enjoy this story.

**Hurt.** It is just hurt, damn much. Its kill me. Softly, deeply. But, what can I do, right? Want it or not, I need to accept it. God already choose me. And I know, He only choose His strongest soldiers for the hardest battle. Right? I tried to think positive, to stay positive. Try hardest to accept the reality that slap my face right now. But, what can you expect me to do? Smile widely? Or laughing out loud when the doctor said that I’m diagnose with throat cancer, or more specific is _Supraglottic Cancer_ , that effects the epiglottis, which is a piece of cartilage that blocks food from going into my windpipe.

“Are you okay, Jiwon?”

My manager voice make me turned to him and nodded weakly. My manager seem concern about me. I guess? I do not know. I do not know how to react anymore. I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to think. My mind was blank. I cannot think anything. I cannot feel anything. What I really feel right now just want to shut my eyes, and disappeared. Is it what God want from me? That why He choose me? Is it?

“Jiwon?”

Once again, I heard my manager called my name. And reality slap my face, over and over and over again. Supraglottic Cancer? Why? Why me? I am not smoking. I rarely drinking. Then, why me? Over million people in this world, why He choose me? I shut my eyes. I felt so heavy in my chest. Tears start to form in my eyes without me aware of that. Suddenly, the doctor voice keep humming in my ear, in my mind.

“Don’t worry too much, Mr. Kim. Fortunately, we detect your disease early. If you follow all the treatment, you will completely recover.”

What should I do? The doctor said I need to going to the treatment until my cancer cell disappeared. But, my schedule as an iKON members was hectic. We currently preparing for our next comeback. I need to help Hanbin with our demo version. I need to write lyrics too. I do not have enough time to add for the treatment. What should I do?

“Don’t worry too much, Jiwonnie. Everything will be fine.”

My manager said. I know he try to ease me. He try to comfort me, to make me feel nothing to be worry. But, thinking that I’m diagnose with cancer make me scared. I feel so lost, so weak. I feel so broken…

“I’m scared, hyung.”

“I know, Jiwonnie. But, you need to be strong. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Trust me, okay? Whatever happen, you still have me, and you still have your brothers, ok?” I nodded.

Yeah. I still have my brothers. Is it? Whatever happen, they will accept me and stay by my side. Right? They will never leave me alone and suffer alone. Right?

“Come on, Jiwonnie. We already arrived!”

“Yes hyung, but please don’t tell anyone about this. I want to keep it to myself first.” I replied weakly.

My manager only nodded at me and smile a little. We came out from the car and started to walk to the studio. Members already waiting for me there. And when I’m arrived, they give me a huge of smile. It make me think deeply, I will never let that smile fade away from my members lip. Never!

***

 **“YOU** are late again! What was wrong with you? Why you always late on Thursday?”

Hanbin asked one day when I always came late on Thursday for four week in a row. I just give him my apologetic face and keep mumbling sorry, over and over again. It is not easy for me to tell him, or tell the members who always waiting for me that I am going to do some treatment because of cancer. Right?

“You can’t acted like this, Jiwon! Because of you, our practice was lacking!”

Hanbin snapped when he see me in pathetic states. Yeah. I know everything happened because of me. Our dance practice lacking because of me. I keep forgetting the step. I keep miscalculate the step. But, I can’t do anything more. My body like to betray me. Every part of my body feel itch. Every time I am going to treatment, my body feel so weak.

“I’m sorry, Hanbin. I’m sorry,” I replied, weakly.

“I don’t want your sorry, hyung. I need your effort to fix this!”

Said Hanbin before turned around. He start to walk to the door. I just seeing him until he disappeared from my sight. I know he was angry with me. I also angry with myself too. I want to give what Hanbin want from me. But, what I gave him just now was disappointed.

***

 **“WHAT'S** wrong with Jiwon, Dong-ahh?”

I heard Jinhwan Hyung asked Donghyuk one day. It is not like I eardrop them. It just I coincidently come out from my room, going to the kitchen to get some drink. And, seem like both of them not aware that I already there.

“Did he have a problem, Dong-ah? He acted not like him anymore,” said Jinhwan in a worried tone.

“I don’t know hyung. He didn’t tell me anything. He always stay alone lately. And he always looking so tired especially when he came back from I don’t know where on Thursday.”

“Yeah, I saw that too. His face always pale and he cough a lot. His voice also change, more hoarseness and sometimes I can’t heard clearly what he said. Did something happened to him?”

No one know the answer. Only my manager and me can answer that. But, I remain silent, and suffer alone. What I can say for now that I’m ok. No need to worry about me. I’m just ok.

***

 **“IF** you really like to act like this, I think you should leave iKON, hyung.”

Said Hanbin one day, when I came late on Thursday for nth time. I keep saying I’m sorry, but he can’t buy it anymore. Maybe, he just can’t stand anymore. Maybe he already tired with my sorry anymore. Maybe he just didn’t need me anymore. Maybe he just...

“If you think after doing Asia Tour, after getting daesang, after being acknowledge by citizen you can acted like this, then I think you should go. Leave. We doesn’t need some problematic member in our band anymore!” Hanbin said, looking so tired with my attitude.

“Kim Hanbin! I think you are going too far!” said Jinhwan.

“Me going too far? Really hyung? So, what about him? He always came late on Thursday and sometimes not attending our practice. He can’t remember our dance step perfectly. He forget his lyrics which is he wrote by himself. Is it me who cross the line? Are you that blind to defences such a selfish members like him?”

“He have his own reason. Kimbab, say something!”

I remain silent and keep my head lowered. My mind going mess. What Hanbin said make me think harder. Yeah. It all my fault. We will having another comeback but because of me, it keep delay. I need to act just like me. I need to stop all the treatment and never be late anymore.

***

 **I** thought, everything would be fine if I act like before. Our comeback was success. Nobody dislike our song. Our iKONICs seem happy and demand for another comeback. So, I thought everything is fine.

But, after that incident, Hanbin rarely speak to me. He start to keep avoiding me. And after we end our promotion day he acted like I’m not exist anymore. His behavior make me think, did he hate me because I’m weak now? Did he hate me because my voice start to change? Or, did he hate me because who I am now? Did he…

“Can we talk?”

I asked one day, make Hanbin turned to me. That day, he came downstairs with Yunhyeong, searching for Chanwoo who watch random movie with Junhoe. All members also there. My manager also there. And when I start to talk to Hanbin, all focus turned to us.

“I don’t have anything to talk,” he said coldly.

“But I have something to talk. Can you hear me out?” I asked, more like begging.

“Then said!”

Hanbin face was cold, more like his disgust with me. It make me think, did he really meant what he said to me? Is it true that he want me to leave? I faced him and what I can see was hatred. I feel bad for myself, I feel so small...

“Before I talk, I want to ask you… did you really want me to go? To leave iKON?”

I asked, finally. At that moment, I can feel my body shake. I can feel that my body tremble. Just like when the wind blows, the autumn leaves tremble. And just like when the waves occur, the ocean trembles. Just like that.

“You heard what I said, right?” Hanbin answers broke me into piece.

Once again, reality really slap me. This time, harder than when the doctor said I am diagnose with cancer. And Hanbin’s stares are like knives already stabbing at my heart. So sharp, so deep...

“Ohh…”

That all I can say so I keep silent. No word come out from my mouth anymore. My mind blank. I can’t think anything. Hanbin’s word really broke me down. I’m not expect I will heard that kind of word come out from my best friend mouth. Best friend? Yeah. Hanbin really my best friend until he found his funny friend. Start that day he does not need me. And I guess, from now on, he really doesn’t need me, anymore.

“So, what do you want to talk?”

Hanbin asked. His face plain emotionless and stoic. His voice sound so cold. It was very cold. Is it Hanbin that I know for more than 7 years? Is it the same person as Kim Hanbin that I know?

“I have nothing to talk anymore.”

I replied weakly before turned to back him and start to walk. I have nothing to talk anymore. What I heard just now more than enough. I don’t need anymore. It just enough for me to make my decision.

“Jiwonnie…”

I heard my manager voice and turned to him. I can see his worried expression. I gave him a small smile. Very small, that cannot reach my eyes.

“It’s okay, hyung. He wants me to leave, then I will… don’t worry about me. Don’t have to mind about me. I’m ok.”

I said weakly and my voice has gotten lower, almost reach the earth’s core. I faced my manager before looking at all my members, one by one. I admire their face because I know this is my last time before stepping away. Right now, I am sure that everything had reached the end. I had lost my battle.

***


	2. KIM JINHWAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You never know what you have until it’s gone…”

**“I** have nothing to talk anymore.”

I heard Bobby’s voice, reply to Hanbin before turned to him and start to walk away. His voice sound so weak. At that moment, I know something already happened to him. I know this is not Bobby that I know all this year. I know this is not the same person that always teasing me, making fun of me. I know this is not the same person who always be the first one to his brothers. I know this is not my Jiwon.

“It’s okay, hyung. He wants me to leave, then I will… don’t worry about me. Don’t have to mind about me. I’m ok.”

Once again, I heard Bobby’s voice. His voice sound very slow, more like his whisper to himself. I can saw he shut his eyes, and tried to breathe deeply. After he open his eyes, all I can see only sadness. The way he seeing our face one by one, the way he form a small smile that not reach his eyes, the way he lowered his head, the way he start to stepping away…

“You will regret everything you done today, Kim Hanbin!”

I heard my manager voice snapped at the moment Bobby disappeared from our sight. It was the first time I saw my manager angry like that. He always calm, always chill. But for the first time, he seems pissed off. It make me wonder, what exactly happened right now? Did Manager Hyung hid something from us? About Bobby, especially.

“I will go to him. Three of you, back to your dorm.”

My manager said firmly before stepping away from us. I turned to faced Hanbin after I heard little noise of door slam that told me my manager already enter Bobby’s room. I can see Hanbin sad expression in his face. But I don’t know why. Why he was sad when this is what he want. Right?

“Did you realize what are you doing, Hanbin?”

Hanbin remain silent, not intends to answer me. Few seconds later, Hanbin start to step away. Walking to the main door, turning the knob and open the door. I can see his heavy step before he disappeared behind the door. It make me throwing a signal to Yunhyeong and Chanwoo to follow Hanbin. He is still our leader after all.

“Both of you can return to your room. I’ll talk to Jiwon after Manager Hyung left.”

Donghyuk and Junhoe only nodded after I finished my sentence. They know, all of us know that Bobby need someone in this states. And it is me who Bobby’s trust among us. It is me who Bobby is lean on countlessly.

***

 **“YOU** know you can tell me anything, right?”

I asked when I saw Bobby start to pack his thing. He just nodded at me before continue packing. I do not know what I can do more to make him stop. To make him change his mind. And to make him stay. I do not know anymore. The moment he said that he already informed Sajangnim that he want terminate his contract and leaving iKON, I know everything had reached the end. Sometimes, when you are going too far, there is no turning back.

“Take care of yourself, hyung. I am sorry I cannot stay by you side anymore. I am sorry for everything that happened because of me. I am sorry if during my time being your brother, I hurt you a lot. I am sorry for not being the best brother to you. I am sorry, hyung. Sorry. Please take care of our brothers for me. I will pass my duty to you, I am sorry. Please tell them that I always love them with all my heart.”

Bobby’s voice sound cracked and when I faced him, I can see tears already form in his eyes. I went to him and hug him tightly. The strongest Kim Jiwon that I know looking so fragile right now. He is so weak. He is so lost. He is so broken… What happen to you, Jiwonnie? Why you hid it from me? Why you like to suffer alone? Did I am not trustworthy enough for you?

***

 **OUR** dorm is not as usual anymore. After Bobby left, nothing was fine. It was so dark. So gloom. So empty. Bobby gone and he brings the joy with him. Bobby gone and he take the smile with him. Bobby gone and he brought all the happiness with him. Nothing left anymore.

“Where are you, Jiwon-ah?” I asked in silent.

The relationship between iKON members getting worse. No more silly jokes anymore. No more minor conflict that ends with laughter anymore. No more late night conversation that ended with all of us falling asleep together anymore. Bobby gone. And he brings all of our hearts with him. Nothing left with us, anymore…

“I miss him, hyung…”

Said Donghyuk one day, two weeks after Bobby left us. I know Donghyuk misses Bobby. He is one of the closest friends to Bobby. The one that Bobby always count when he having his hard time. Obviously, Bobby’s absence affects Donghyuk.

“Where has he been?”

Once again, Donghyuk voice keep humming in my ear, weakly. I do not know what kind of answer I should give to him. Bobby never answer my call, also never reply my text. I do not know. I am also want to know where he is. Is he ok? Is he happy with his life now? I do not know. I really do not know…

***

 **AFTER** 3 weeks of Bobby’s left, I received a letter after returned to the dorm after my hectic day in the practice room. Everyday feel like hell after Bobby left. We missing our mood maker and no one can turning up the gloomy atmosphere anymore. Slowly, I opened the envelope. As soon as I seeing the letter, I know who the sender is. Only he has writing style like that. Only him. Only Bobby. Our Bobby. I took a deep breath, before reading one by one words that Bobby written. Each word he wrote, break my heart. Is this what Bobby feels all this time? Why did not he tell me what he felt? Why he always suffer alone. Why Bobby? Why?

_Dear my Jinani,_

_How are you? I hope you always happy. I am ok, really. You do not need to worry about me. You does not have to comfort me. You do not have to pity on me. You do not have to stay with me. I am fine. Really. I am used to be alone, hyung. To left alone. To suffer alone…_

_Nani Hyung,_

_I love you. I do not say it enough but I do. I know, we do not agree on a lot of stuff but one thing we do, is that we could not live without each other. Because of that, I am suffering right now. I miss you, hyung. A lot._

_Hyung-nim,_

_I always said this and I guess you already tired of me because keep saying this. But hyung, I really meant it. I would not have survived without you. You always encourage me. Always support me. Always stay by my side when I need some friend the most. You know me better than I probably do. I trust you all my heart and no time or distance apart could ruin the bond that we have. So many jokes, tears, memories and laughter, fights and dreams, we have come a long way and have much father to go. I am glad I have you with me the whole way._

_But hyung,_

_Life hurt a lot more than death. It hurt me so much. It broke every piece of me when all of us laughed out. I just want to give up, hyung. I am done with myself. I think, I am afraid to be happy anymore. Because I know, whenever I do get too happy, something bad always happens again. I hate myself so much because of this. And I think, death seem more inviting than a life…_

_Kim Jiwon._

Bobby’s letter ended like that. Without me aware, my tears falling apart. Suddenly I felt something heavy in my chest. I blamed myself for not realize what Bobby felt earlier. He always smile. He always laugh. I thought he is ok. I thought… I thought he is…

***

 **SAJANGNIM** called out all of us the next day after I received Bobby’s letter. I know why he calling us. I know… but, should he tell us as early as this? He need to wait for Bobby. I know Bobby will come back later. He just went out for a moment to calm his heart. He will be back to us. He was belong to us, right?

“Do you know what you have done, Hanbin?”

That was the first question I heard as soon as we stepped into Sajangnim room. I turned to Hanbin. He just silent. I can see the sad expression on his face. Why? Why he looks so sad? And it makes Sajangnim sigh. Heavily.

“I know I am not the person who should tell all of you about this. But, I think I gave all of you enough time to fix all the problems. But, it’s getting worst day by day. After Jiwon left, you are not yours anymore. So I think, I need to make a move. To tell the truth.”

“The truth?”

I heard Hanbin asked. His voice sounds so weak. Too slow to being heard. Why is he like that? This is my first time seeing him this powerless. He looks, so broken…

“About Jiwon. About what he hiding.”

Sajangnim words made me felt uneasy. What was wrong with Bobby? What happened to him? What does he hide from all of us? Why Sajangnim did not tell us about Bobby’s decision to leave iKON? Is not that the reason why he called all of us?

“I don’t want to hear anything about him.”

“He’s sick, Hanbin. He is in pain. He suffering cancer right now. And if he does not undergo his treatment, his condition will worsen. It will threaten his life.”

Sajangnim words make me speechless. I cannot accept this. What kind of joke that Sajangnim gave just now? This is nonsense. Bobby was not sick. The strongest Kim Bobby will not sick like this. No. Never. That person Sajangnim said was not our Bobby. He is not my Jiwon…

***

 **YUNHYEONG** came downstairs two days after we know the truth. He looked so mess. He looked so worried. It make me wonder, what was wrong with him? What happened?

“Hyung…please help. Hanbin… he…he is crying again…please hyung. We need to help him.”

Yunhyeong voice sound cracked. Anytime he will burst into tears. It make me jump from my seat and rushing to Donghyuk room. After calling him and Junhoe, we rush to the upstairs. More specific, to Hanbin room. And what I saw after that, made my heart broke…

“I’m sorry Jiwonnie…please…I’m really sorry. I don’t know…I don’t know…please…”

Hanbin said between his sob. He looked so small… so fragile… It make Donghyuk rushed to him and hold him tightly. I do not know what to do anymore. Bobby’s missing affect us so much. The truth that he hide from us made it worse. If only Bobby still here. If only I knew what happened to him. If only I was trying harder to care about him. If only this had never happened. If only…

“You never know what you have until it’s gone…” I said silently before leaving Hanbin’s room, letting Donghyuk comfort his leader.

***


	3. KIM DONGHYUK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember…”

**“HYUNG...** please help. Hanbin… he…he is crying again…please hyung. We need to help him.”

I can hear Yunhyeong-hyung voice from my room. I can clearly heard his small sob between his words. At that moment, I know something already happened to Hanbin-hyung. I know Hanbin-hyung already blamed himself because of what happened. And Yunhyeong-hyung behaviour make me feel worried. He make me anxious. But I prefer to stay.

“Dong-ah, let’s go. We need to go to Hanbin. He need us the most right now.”

This time I heard Jinhwan-hyung voice after he opened my door. I just give him a nodded and started to approach him. We stopped at June room, calling him up, telling him the same excuse, and go to upstairs. That is our routine the moment we know the truth of Bob-hyung sickness.

“I’m sorry Jiwonnie…please… I am sorry. I don’t know…I don’t know…please…”

I heard Hanbin-hyung said between his sob. He was at a mess. It make me rushed to him and hold him tightly. Bob-hyung left make my heart broke. But, looking at Hanbin-hyung in this state, make me broken more. What really happened to us right now? What going to happen to us then? I really cannot handle this anymore. We really cannot face this reality anymore.

“You never know what you have until it’s gone…”

I heard Jinhwan-hyung voice while hugging Hanbin-hyung. It make me turned to him and what I see after that was sadness. He tried hardest to hold back his tears. June seem speechless. And Chanwoo tried to calm Yunhyeong-hyung who burst into tears. A moment later, I saw all members’ left Hanbin-hyung room, letting me to comfort our leader alone.

“It’s my entire fault, right Dong? Everything happen because of me, right?”

I heard Hanbin-hyung voice while wipes his tears. He look so sad. He look like something already killing him inside. I know, Bob-hyung missing gave a big impact to Hanbin-hyung. We are living together more than seven years and suddenly Bob-hyung disappeared. The absence of Bob-hyung made us incomplete. The absence of Bob-hyung made us feel like something was missing between us.

Him. Bob-hyung. Kim Bobby. Kim Jiwon. My Jiwon…

I can clearly remember few days before he asked that question to Hanbin-hyung. He stand at my door, but said nothing. He seem space out. It make me wonder, what really happened to him? What exactly he think?

“Hey, what’s up?”

I asked, make him faced me before form a small smile that not reach his eyes. I noticed that Bob-hyung is not like himself anymore. He was more silent. He like being alone. He always seem space out, as if he was thinking about something. His smile slowly fade away from him. And when he do, it’s not the same smile that I know.

“Do you really think that I should leave iKON, Dong?”

He startle me with his sudden question. Honestly, he already asked me that question a lot of time. But I just pay no attention to him and tell him that he just overthinking. And when he asked me again, I felt like bored?

“What the hell, hyung?”

I asked, a little bit pissed off but my anger totally gone when I see his sad face. Did Bob-hyung really overthink about this? Did Bob-hyung really think that Hanbin-hyung mean what he said. Did each word Hanbin-hyung said hurt Bob-hyung silently?

“I don’t really think Bin-hyung really meant it, hyung. You know him very well right? He always spilled anything when mad.”

“You need to listen to people when they angry, because that is when the real truth comes out. Right?” he said, more like whisper to himself.

What Bob-hyung said make me speechless. That time I realize, Hanbin-hyung words really hurt Bob-hyung. The hyung that I love already broken. And day by day, their behaviour make Bob-hyung broke into piece. Like glass, once broken it cannot be repaired. Even it can be fixed, there will always be cracks.

“Bob-hyung, listen. Nobody wants you to leave. Nobody! Please! Even Bin-hyung meant it everything he said, it was just because of anger. Please hyung, don’t overthinking, ok?”

Bob-hyung just nodded when I told him. Then, I thought everything would be ok. As long as Bob-hyung do as what as Hanbin-hyung want.

“Where is him, Dong?”

Hanbin-hyung’s question made me look at his face. Obviously, his faced full of hopes. But, like Jinhwan-hyung, I also don’t know where Bob-hyung is. He disappeared without leaving any trace.

“I don’t know hyung…” I said, weakly.

***

 **FEW** days after we know the truth, Hanbin-hyung started to come downstairs. Without said any word, he will go straight to Bob-hyung room. If we bump into each other, he will smile at me. He look ok, but I know he was dying inside.

Sometimes I found him crying while whispering a soft sorry. Sometimes I found he fall asleep at Bob-hyung bed. I know he still blamed himself. Even we told him countless time that it is not his fault, but still, we all know the reason why Bob-hyung left. It was painful to watch him suffer like that. And every time I saw Hanbin-hyung in this state, I keep wondering how was Bob-hyung. How he deal with it, alone?

“Donghyukkie, you got a letter.”

My manager said one day while giving me an envelope of letter. I take that letter and said thank you softly before stepping away to my room. Once I am in my room, I slowly open that letter I got. And without me aware, I form huge of smile when I saw familiar handwriting that appeared on that letter.

Bob-hyung… I whisper in silent. I read word by word that Bob-hyung wrote for me. And every word that he wrote, break my heart. Slowly, deeply. I do not know he was suffering like this. I do not know he was hiding all the pain behind his smile. I do not know anymore…

_My lovely Dong-ii,_

_How are you, my dongsaeng? Did you miss me? I hope you will always miss me, as I do. Dong-ah… everything okay there, right? I hope everyone was okay because I cannot take care of everyone anymore. I hope everyone will be always happy._

_Dong-ah…_

_Thank you. I really am. Thank you for being my dongsaeng even though you always annoyed me. Thank you for always taking care of me even though I who supposed to taking care of you instead. I am such a loser brother, right? Sorry, but no sorry, dongsaeng._

_My dongsaeng…_

_Thank you again. You always be by my side when I need you. Always listens every word I want to talk. Always accompany me when I sad. Always make me smile; make me laugh when you know I am not in a good mood. Thank you, Dong-ah. Thank you for not leaving me alone even though I am not always nicest to you._

_But Dong-ah…_

_I cannot return that favour to you anymore. I need to leave. I need to disappear. God already choose me, Dong-ahh. And it’s my duty for fulfil that. I am sorry. I cannot taking care of yourself anymore. I cannot stay by your side anymore. I cannot compose any song with you anymore. I cannot help you for writing lyrics anymore. I cannot annoy you anymore. I cannot accompany you when you need a friend to take a lunch or dinner anymore. I cannot anymore._

_Please take care, my dongsaeng. Do not easily believe in people. There is many people out there that approach you just want to take advantage of your kindness. So, please be aware. Please take care of your health. Please do not harsh with yourself. Please eat what you want to eat. And please, forget about me…_

_Bobby._

Bob-hyung letter make me burst into tear. How could he easily make a wish like that? How could he simply make a favour just like that? How could he asked me to forget him? Hell no I will never forget about him. Never.

***

 **I** found Hanbin-hyung in Bob-hyung room again. He already crying and keep whisper a soft sorry between his sob. Once again, I feel so broken. I know it is hard for him to accept that Bob-hyung already left us.

“Jiwonnie… where are you? I miss you… I am sorry… please…I am so sorry…”

Hanbin-hyung word make me rushed to him and hug him tightly. I cannot bear to see this powerless Kim Hanbin. The charisma B.I that I know was not this pathetic. And I know, only the strongest Kim Bobby could change Hanbin-hyung back to his usual self. Only our Kim Jiwon can change everything back to normal. Only my Jiwon…

Looking at Hanbin-hyung states like this made me remember our tough day during Mix & Match era. The day Hanbin-hyung disappeared from our sight. That day, Bob-hyung came late to the studio because of his Show Me The Money show. Once he came, the first question he asked was, _"Where is Binnie?"_ He just nodded and sit in silent when all of us just tell him that Hanbin-hyung disappeared.

Looking at him that time, I know he was worried about Hanbin-hyung. But, as Kim Jiwon as I know, he tried his best to not show any kind of expression. He looked very calm but I know, it’s killing him inside. And when Hanbin-hyung make an appearance after four hours of missing, that the first time Bob-hyung smile that day. And he seem relieved.

Everything happen the moment he left us make me think harder. Bob-hyung absence make our memory keep replay in my mind. About his kindness. About his behaviour that always annoyed me, annoyed all of us. About his lame jokes that always make us laughter. About how he cares all of us in his own way. About everything. But… he is someone that you feel annoyed when he is around, and you will miss him damn much when he's gone...

“It’s hard, hyung. It’s so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember…” I said while caresses Hanbin-hyung back. Tried to calm him down.

***


	4. KIM HANBIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please come back. I need you more than you think I am…”

**A** month after Jiwon left, I found the truth. But, why just now? Why after all this happened? Why Sajangnim never told me earlier? Why Jiwon hiding it from me? Why the world never be fair and never will be… why?

Because…it is my entire fault. I supposed to know that something is not right with Jiwon. I supposed to know the sudden change of Jiwon behaviour. Jiwon is not a person who is silent and alone. It is not Jiwon that I know. I supposed to know when the smile that rescued me a lot of time started fade away from Jiwon. I supposed to know…

But I was too blind to see. I was too selfish that I do not see Jiwon sadness. I was too ego that I am not aware of Jiwon voice changes. I am too mad that I am not notice about Jiwon body getting thinner day-by-day. And, because of me, Jiwon gone…

“It’s hard, hyung. It’s so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember…” 

I heard every part of words that Donghyukkie said while caresses my back. And it break my heart. But, what can I do, right? It is my entire fault. Because of my behaviour, I make a big mistake. Because of my attitude, I make a big sin in my life. Because of my anger, I push away someone who always stay by my side. Because of my ego, I push away someone who truly care about me. Now, he is gone. He has disappeared, exactly as I wished.

“Bin-hyung…”

I heard Donghyuk voice. His voiced sound so soft. It calm me a bit. I wipes my tears before faced him. He looked so sad. As if I do, he also miss Jiwon. Too much. Or maybe more than I do. And it was my fault.

“We need to find Bob-hyung…”

Once again, I heard Donghyuk voice. Yeah. I know we need to find Jiwon as soon as possible. I need to say sorry to him. I need to say it is my entire fault. But… where do I need to find him? I do not know where he is. I already asked his parent where he is right now. But, nobody knows. What should I do, then?

***

 **“GET** up, Bin! We need to go to Bobby! Right now!”

Nani-hyung voice make me open my eyes. After a week we struggle to trace where Jiwon has been, finally we knew it. We found that he stayed at Virginia, his old house that his parent buy long time ago. And today, we will fly to take him back. Six of us will get our mood maker back.

“Hanbinnie.”

I heard my manager voice when we standing at the airport, queuing for our ticket to be check. I turned to him and I can see he smile at me a little. Suddenly, he hug me tightly and say sorry for being mad at me for a long time. Yeah. Since Jiwon left, my manager rarely talked to me. He only speak when it was need.

“This is for you. It’s came this morning.”

My manager said while handed out a piece of letter. It make me curious, what letter it is. I still grab that letter before turned to back my manager. It my ticket to be check now. After that, I turned back to my manager, said thank you, bow a little before started to stepping away.

***

 **ALMOST** all of us have been asleep after ten hours passed. We still have seven hours left before we arrive in Virginia. To be honest, I feel anxious. Did Jiwon like to see us again? Did Jiwon will gladly accept us again? Did Jiwon already forgive us? Did Jiwon already forgive me?

Suddenly I remembered the letter given by Manager-hyung. Letter from whom? I was wondering as I crawled my bag and take out the letter. As soon as I saw the handwriting on the letter, my heart pounded. I feel uneasy.

With a little shaking hand, I opened the letter. I read one by one written word. Each of them broke me into piece.

_Dear my one and only Binnie,_

_How are you? Did you still mad at me? I am sorry Bin-ah. I am sorry because I cannot be as perfect as you want. I am sorry for always disturbing you. I am sorry that everything happened because of me. I am sorry Bin-ah. I am sorry._

_Bin-ah,_

_You have no clue how much I care about you. How much I would do anything to make you smile. How much I worried when I know you does not have enough time to sleep. How much guilty I felt when seeing you disappointed. How much I forced myself to keep smiling when you started avoiding me. How much I suffered when you totally ignore me._

_I tried, Bin. I tried so hard to fix our friendship._

_But Bin, there has always have a rainbow at the end of rain. However, it is not for me. When reality slap my face, when my body cannot withstand the pain, when one by one I have started to left me, when you, the person that I believe who know me very well started to avoiding me, ignoring me, that time I realized, sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want._

_I am sorry, Bin. I am sorry for giving up._

_I already losing my best friend when you prefer your funny friend rather than me. Its ok, Bin. Really. Because I know, how much I try, I still cannot be as the best as you want. I just does not want to hear any of hopeful words anymore. I am sorry…_

_Jiwon._

My tears flowed as I read the letter from Jiwon. That time I realize how cruel I am to him. How bad I was to him. How unfair I treat him. How could I…

***

 **“WHAT** are you doing here?”

That the first question I heard came out from Jiwon mouth when he saw us at the door of his home. Or more accurately, that question just for me. At that moment, I can see his coldness. It was so cold…

Jiwon... Kim Jiwon… my Bunny… my Jiwon…

He is not the same Kim Jiwon that I know anymore. He is not the happy Jiwon anymore. He is not the smiling Jiwon anymore. He is not the warm-heart Jiwon anymore. He is not the brightest Jiwon anymore. He is not the cheerful Kim Jiwon anymore. He is not my Jiwon anymore. He is totally change, totally disappeared. Just as I wanted.

The one that stand in front of me was another Kim Jiwon, another Kim Bobby. The strongest Bobby was totally gone. His face seem so pale. His body looked so skinny. He really suffering a lot. All of this because of me. Suddenly, what he wrote in that letter slapping my face. That time, my tears falling apart, without me aware.

I rushed to him and hugged him tightly. Froze. Jiwon just stand still, not replying my hug. Few seconds later, he started to push me before stepping away. Step by step he take, make my chest heavy. I do not want him to leave again.

“I am sorry, Ji… I am sorry… please…”

My voice cracked that time. Finally, Jiwon turned to face me and slowly approach me. I can see his body tremble. I can see his face full of sadness. I can see he is suffering a lot. I can see he is in pain. I can see everything that he hide successfully before. Or, maybe I am too blind to not see so much pain that he hide behind his smile.

“Why?”

I heard Jiwon asked me. His voice sound so weak. His gaze seem so hurtful. Seeing him like this make me speechless. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say. It hurt me a lot seeing Jiwon like this. Its kill me… slowly… deeply…

“I’m sorry… please… I do not know… I’m sorry… please come back to me… to us…” I said, repeatedly.

“I tried hard, Bin. I tried to fix everything. I gave up on my treatment. I tried to act just like myself. I tried to do whatever you want me to do. But… you seem do not care. You acted as if I am just a stranger in your life. You acted as if I am not exist. What should I do then, Bin? I already begging for my life and what I get was you coldness. It is hard, Bin. It has hurt me a lot…”

I heard every word Jiwon said to me. I can see his painful. I can see his hurtful. I do not know anymore. I do not know how to get him back. I do not know how to fix the broken piece of Jiwon anymore. I do not know anything anymore…

“Every word you said to me kill me deeply, Bin. It is amazing, right? It amazing how words can do that… it amazing how words can shred your inside apart…”

Jiwon voice sound so weak… so slow… It make me turn to him. Jiwon was in pain. I can see how struggle he is to control all of his sadness. I can see how struggle he is to hold back his own tears. And I can see how broken he is…

“I am sorry, Ji… please come back. I need you more than you think I am…”

My voiced sound cracked and without me aware, I am already begging him to stay. I does not want him to leave. I need him. I really need him. His absence already taught me something. His absence realize that I need him. I cannot survive if his not around. So please… do not leave me anymore…

“I can’t do that anymore, Bin. You already gave up on me and I am going to give up myself too. You already told me to go and I do… so please… let me go… let me leave…”

I heard he replied to me weakly and start to walk away. Every step he take punch me inside. It make me realize that the heart was made beautifully already broken. And it is me who broke that heart. How much pain I gave to him that make him give up? How much pain I gave to him that make the strongest Kim Jiwon looking so fragile? How much pain I gave to him that make him so lost… so broken…

I do not know anymore. I really do not know what I should do. Every word Jiwon said make my chest heavy. Suddenly, I cannot see everything. I cannot heard anything. I feel like I cannot breathe anymore. I feel like my world spinning. And after that everything turn to dark.

***


	5. GOO JUNHOE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am that person everyone replaces after a while…”

**“IT** amazing how words can do that… it amazing how words can shred your inside apart…”

I heard Bobby-hyung voice sound so weak. I can see how struggle he is when he faced Hanbin-hyung who cried aloud. I can see how hard Bobby-hyung is trying to resist the desire to persuade Hanbin-hyung. That time I know, deep inside Bobby-hyung heart, he is still cares about Hanbin-hyung. A lot.

“I am sorry, Ji… please come back. I need you more than you think I am…”

My gazed turn to Hanbin-hyung when I heard his cracked voice. He look so fragile. He look so lost… so broken… In his voice, I can heard how desperate he was to make Bobby-hyung to stay. In his voice, I can heard how he begs Bobby-hyung to not leave him again.

“I can’t do that anymore, Bin. You already give up on me and I am going to give up myself too. You already told me to go and I do… so please… let me go… let me leave…”

I heard Bobby-hyung voice, replied to Hanbin-hyung before turned to him and start to walk away. Every step Bobby-hyung take make Hanbin-hyung dying inside. I can see how hard Hanbin-hyung tried to fight with his pain. I can see how hard Hanbin-hyung tried to accept that Bobby-hyung will never return back to us, to him. I can see how hard Hanbin-hyung tried to get back what he already lost. And I can heard his heavy breathe before Hanbin-hyung collapse in front of my eyes.

“Bin!”

Jinhwan-hyung voice snapped at the moment of Hanbin-hyung pass out. All of us rush to him. Jinhwan-hyung voice make Bobby-hyung turn to us and he startled. He was speechless. He looks like he blames himself on what happened to Hanbin-hyung. He looks as though he is more disappointed with himself.

“Why you making it hard for me, Bin? It hard for me to seeing you like this. It hurt me a lot. Please Bin… don’t do this to me anymore…”

I heard Bobby-hyung voice. His voice sound very slow, like his whisper to himself. After that, he start to walk away.

***

 **SECOND** day at Bobby-hyung house. Bobby-hyung does not seem to care about our presence. He did not drive us out, nor give his permission to us to stay with him. But I can see that he glad for seeing us staying with him. At that moment, we look perfect. We look like us. We look like iKON. Although Bobby-hyung is still stay away from us, hardly talked with us and like to stay alone, still we feel alive again.

That day, when we try to see Hanbin-hyung's condition, I see Bobby-hyung stand still at the door, looking at sleeping Hanbin-hyung. Bobby-hyung seem space out. But his faced look so sad. It seem like he was dying inside. It seem like he was fighting with his desired to approach Hanbin-hyung. And I can see how much he love Hanbin-hyung, how much he care about Hanbin-hyung. Still, he love us too, care for us too. But Hanbin-hyung always have special space in Bobby-hyung heart. That is why it has hurt Bobby-hyung a lot when Hanbin-hyung totally ignored him.

When Bobby-hyung know about our presence, he immediately turned and start to step away. I tried to make him stay, but when I turn to Jinhwan-hyung who grabbed my hand, I saw his shake his head.

“He need time… just give him some space. We do not know how suffer he is. We do not know how hard it is for him to accept everything. We do not know how much pain he feels. We leave him alone, and all this time he faced it alone. We really do not know what inside his heart, June-ah… just give him space. He will back to us… trust me…” Jinhwan-hyung said, softly.

“But Hanbin-hyung…”

“I know… Bin need him the most right now. I know… only Bobby can fix everything right now… I know, June-ah. But please… for once, can we try to feel what Bobby felt? For once, can we try to think of Bobby’s side? The day he is sick and still with us, what we do for him? Nothing. All we know just to blame him for the mistake he done. Yes, I know he hide everything from us, but… we should know everything is wrong the moment he stay away from us. We know something is not right, but what we do? We just ignore him, June-ah… so please… for once, let him make a decision.”

“But hyung… but… but… what if… what if Bob-hyung will leave us… forever… what if…”

I heard Donghyuk voice that time. He already crying heavily. He cannot bear the thought of losing Bobby-hyung anymore. We cannot bear of losing our mood maker anymore. We lost him once, and we cannot handle it if we will lost him again. I cannot stand to seeing Hanbin-hyung turn into mess again. I cannot stand to seeing iKON turn into mess again.

“Don’t worry, Dong-ah… we know Bobby, right? We know he cannot live without us. We know how much he love us, how much he care for all of us. Bobby will back to us. We need to make him back to us,” Jinhwan-hyung said, softly. And he calm all of our nerve.

***

 **I** caught Bobby-hyung looking at Hanbin-hyung again, few days later. It happen when all of us staying at the living room, talking random thing. Of course, Bobby-hyung was not around. He always stayed away from us, especially from Hanbin-hyung. He seem like he was careful to stay close with us. As if he was scared if he stay close with us, it make him hurt.

When he know that I am looking at him that time, as usual, he start to turn back from us and stepping away. And that time, I don’t know why I am following him to his room. I feel like I need to talk to him. I feel like I need to tell him that I want him to coming back to us. Even though after that Bobby-hyung still stubbornly, at least I try.

“Hyung…”

I tried to call him when I saw him laying at his bed. It make Bobby-hyung rushed to sit, looking at me with his confused face. I smile at him and start to approach him. Even though I feel uneasy and start to doubt myself, I still going to him and stand still in front of him.

“Can we talk, hyung?” I asked, softly.

I saw Bobby-hyung nodded and smile a little. The smile that he always gave to us after he know about his illness. I saw his patting his hand beside him. Maybe he just try to seem polite. Maybe he just try to being nice to me. Or, maybe he know how its feel when someone shut us down.

“Hyung… can you… come back to us?”

I asked, after sitting beside him, comfortable. I feel warm every time I am with Bobby-hyung. Even though our members always said that I am awkward with him, and our fans called us as awkward couple, but still, I feel warm, I feel calm. Bobby-hyung know how to warm people around him.

“Please hyung… we need you…”

I said when Bobby-hyung stay silent. I tried looking at his face, and all I can see only sadness. Bobby-hyung faced look like anytime he will cry. Bobby-hyung faced look like he is suffering when he heard my favour. It make me wonder, is it okay to let Bobby-hyung go? Is it okay if we letting Bobby-hyung leave, again? Is it make Bobby-hyung happy, if we just let him disappeared?

“I can’t… June-ah…”

I heard Bobby-hyung voice, sound so weak. His body tremble a little. I know he tried to calm himself. I know he tried to hide every pain his suffering that time. I know Bobby-hyung try harder to make all people around him feel ease. And I know, the last thing Bobby-hyung would do was hurt people he care a lot. The last thing Bobby-hyung would do was hurting us, his brothers.

“Please hyung… I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Bin-hyung like this anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Donghyukkie missing you anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Yunhyeong-hyung crying when he begging us to come to upstairs anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Nani-hyung struggling to take care all the mess when you left anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Chanu tried his best to make all of us stay with each other anymore. Please hyung…come back to us. Only you can fix all of this. Only you can turn iKON as iKON again. Only you, hyung… so please… come back to us…”

I said, tried harder to make Bobby-hyung realize how important he is in our heart. Without me aware, I am already crying that time. I do not know why, but, I feel like if I will not saying anything right now, this thing will not be spoken anymore. I feel like I need to tell Bobby-hyung what really happened after he left. I need to tell him how everything is not all right after he was gone.

“I can’t, June-ah… I can’t… I tried… I tried harder than before. I tried to think everything would be fine if I am back. But… I am scared, June-ah… I am scared to be hurt again. I am scared to be ignore again. It hurt me… I can’t anymore… I am tired, June-ah… I just… tired…”

Bobby-hyung reply to me, weakly. That time, he already crying. That time I realize that it was not about fixing us. I realize it was not about fixing Hanbin-hyung. It was not about getting back Bobby-hyung to us. It was not about us. It was about Bobby-hyung. It was about fixing Bobby-hyung broken heart. It was about fixing Bobby-hyung who we broke into piece.

“I am that person everyone replaces after a while, June-ah…”

Once again, I heard Bobby-hyung voice, sound so slow… sound so weak… more like he whisper to himself. That time I know, we really cannot do anything to make Bobby-hyung back. That time I know, when Bobby-hyung hide all his scars with an ‘I am fine’, everything already reached the end. We already lost him.

***


	6. SONG YUNHYEONG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can’t fix someone who already broken…”

**IT** already a week all of us stayed at Bobby house. Every time I tried to approach him, he seem hesitant. Sometime, I caught him spacing out alone at the kitchen. At another time, I caught him sobbing softly and keep saying he is sorry for making us feel like this. It make me realize how suffer Bobby is. It make me wonder how he is when all of us not around him. It make me asked myself, what I am doing to this warmest person in my life.

“Are you ok, Jiwonnie? Want me to make something to you? Sandwich maybe?”

I asked one day, when I saw Bobby sitting alone at the kitchen. He turned to me and smile a little. He shake his head weakly, before looking down. He seem like he was thinking about something. Something that I do not know what it is. It hard to guess what in Bobby mind. If you looked at his behaviour, he seem do not care about anything, about everything. But deep inside, he is the most caring person that I know in my life.

“Are you sure? You looked skinny, Jiwon. Where is my muscular 95’ friend? Did you not eating anything since you staying here?” I asked; try harder to make Bobby talk to me again.

“I have no appetite,” he said, weakly.

Looking at how Bobby replied to me make me miss him a lot. Miss the real Bobby, the real Kim Jiwon. Not Bobby who sit in front of me. The Kim Jiwon who sit in front of me looks like somebody else. He looks more silent. He always spacing out. He always keep what he feel by himself. He is not like Kim Jiwon I know. He is not my Jiwon. My Jiwon always noisy. My Jiwon will smiling 24 hours and easy to laugh. My Jiwon was very warm and cheerful person. My Jiwon who is more concerned about people around him more than himself. That is my Jiwon. Not like this.

“Why? The Kim Jiwon I know always loved to eat. I don’t like seeing you like this, Jiwonnie,” I said, tried harder to avoid that topic.

“Nothing. Just does not feel want to eat. I am full,” he replied while looking at me.

“Are you kidding me, Jiwon? I didn't see you eating anything since morning! I don’t care! I will make you something and it was your job to finish it. Understand!”

Bobby keep silent while looking at me who make him sandwich. That all I can do because of his limited ingredients. Sometimes I asked him random question and he answered shortly. Sometimes I told him about random thing, just to distract him from what he was thinking. And it seem successful. Bobby seem like more openly to me. Bobby seem like he start to trust me, again.

***

 **“JIWON,** can you accompany me to your nearest store? I felt pity seeing your empty fridge.”

I asked one day, make all of us turn to me and then to Bobby. When I saw him nodding his head, standing up and walk to his room, I know he finally trust me again. Maybe, I can make him back to us again. Maybe, I can make him undergo his treatment again. Maybe, I can make him fix everything.

“Can I go with you too, hyung?”

I heard Hanbin voice, when Bobby start to approach me. It make Bobby froze at his place. His faced looked like he does not want Hanbin to going with us. And when I turned to Hanbin, I can see sadness form in his face. It make me feel guilty. I don’t know what to do. It feel like you make me choose between my mother and my father.

“Binnie… you need to help me washing the dish, right?”

I heard Jinhwan-hyung voice, helping me escape from this situation. I mouth him a thank you before cross my arm with Bobby arm and drag him toward the door. Before Bobby could change his mind to accompany me, better I put him into no choice situation. And the last time I know, I already walking side by side with him to the nearest store from his house.

“What do you want to eat tonight? I will cook anything you want,” I said while entering the store.

“Anything… I am fine with anything…”

Bobby replied, make me turn to him. I do not like his answer, really. Kim Jiwon that I know would never give me that kind of answer. He always know what he want before. But now, he always said he's fine with everything, with anything. It seems like he wants to tell me, tell us that he has no more desire anymore. It seems like he wants to tell us that he is already giving up on what was going on or what will happen later. It seems like he wants to tell us that he is already giving up on himself.

“Come on, Jiwon. Tell me what you want. Pizza? Hamburger? Hmm… it is not good for your health, I guess. Should I make you pasta? Or do you want anything else?”

I said while strolling the trolley. I heard nothing from Bobby. But I know he walk closely to me. So, I keep asking him what he want to eat till his faced change. Tired of the same question that I asked repeatedly. At last, he muttered something. Slowly but still can be heard.

“Pasta, Yunhyeonggie.”

I form a huge smile when I heard his voice. So, we get all the ingredients and add more food for Bobby's empty fridge. I am going straight to the kitchen the moment we got back and Bobby still following me. He sit in silent and keep watching me cook for our dinner. But, when everything was ready, Bobby was not in the kitchen anymore.

“Where is Jiwon?”

I asked when I saw Bobby and June was not in the living room with other members. Jinhwan-hyung mouth to me that both of them was in Bobby’s room. Therefore, without thinking anything, I just going there after me telling my members that dinner was ready.

***

 **“I** am tired, June-ah… I just… tired…”

I heard Bobby's voice when I approach his room. I can heard his voice cracked. I can heard small sob too. It make me froze at my place. That time I know, Bobby really suffering a lot. It hard to make Bobby cry in front of June. And when he do, I know he cannot handle all the pain he felt anymore. That time I am asking myself again, what can I really do for him?

“I am that person everyone replaces after a while, June-ah…”

Once again, Bobby's voice enter my ear. So slow, so weak. It make me broke inside. Is it this what Bobby felt? What Bobby said to June made me think how hurt he is all this time. And we are not doing what we should do. I am not doing what I supposed to do.

Few minutes later, June left Bobby’s room with his guilty face. He mouth I am sorry when he see me outside Bobby’s room. I just nodded a little before start to enter that room. When I saw Bobby’s condition, it broke me again. It really broke me when I see my strongest Kim Jiwon looks so fragile, like a lost child. I rushed to him and hug him tightly. And for the first time Bobby burst into tears in my arm. That time I know, I need to do something to fix my broken friend. I need to do something…

“It’s okay, Jiwonnie. It’s okay,” I said, tried to calm him.

“It’s hurt…”

I heard Bobby's voice but I keep silent. I know, this time Bobby really need someone to lean on. I keep caresses his back until he slowly release himself from my hug. I saw he wipes his tears before looking at me. He seem more relax than before.

“I am sorry,” Bobby said.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me who need apologize to you, Jiwon. I am such a useless friend, right?” I replied, while looking at him.

“No… you are not. It’s me… it’s my entire fault…”

I hate when Bobby blames himself. It is not his fault for being sick. It is not his fault for left us. It is not his fault for keep his distant from us. Everything happened was not his fault. It was nobody fault.

“Jiwon, listen. It is not your fault. It is not anybody fault. Whatever happen between us, between you and Hanbin, was not both of you fault. We just need to fix this. Once we fix this, everything will be fine, ok?” I said, firmly.

I saw Bobby shake his head when I said that. He seem like he deny what I told him. He seem like he try not to believe in my word. He seem like he scared to put his trust to my word again. Everything that happen to us really scared him.

“Jiwonnie… you know that you can lean on me, right? You know that you can tell me everything, right?”

I said, while looking at him. Bobby just nodded his head and keep silent. So I waited. I waited for him to openly to me again, like what he really do before all this matter happen. I waited for him to trust me again, to tell me what really going on in his mind.

“It hurt, Yunhyeonggie. Every word he said to me really kill me. I felt useless. I felt like I don’t deserved to stand beside him anymore. I felt like I don’t deserved to stay as iKON members anymore. I am just nothing, Yunhyeonggie… just nothing…”

This is the first time Bobby tell me what he felt. And I can feel the pain in every word he told me. I can feel the broken piece of Kim Jiwon when he told me that he does not deserved anything anymore. I can feel the silent suffer that he tried to hide behind his small smile. I can feel everything in him…

“You are not nothing, Jiwon. You are you, our Jiwon. We need you… Hanbin need you… all of us need you. You are important in our life, you know that Jiwon. Please, come back to us. Don’t shut us down again. Don’t leave us again.”

I said without breaking our eyes. At that moment, I can see all the sadness he was trying to hide in his eyes. It make me think deeply, word really can kill someone. Word really can shred someone inside apart.

“You know Hanbin very well, Jiwon. He is your friend, your best friend. You should know that he does not meant what he said to you. I know he was cross the line, but still, he is under pressure. And all of us know he will split everything when he is in that condition, right?”

“He also know me very well. And, real friend wouldn’t do that, right?”

What Bobby said punched me inside. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what can I do to fix this broken soul again. That time I realize, Hanbin’s word really broke Bobby's into piece. Hanbin’s word really killing Bobby's inside. And I know, only Bobby and Hanbin can fix this.

“Jiwon, listen to me please. I know it has hurt you. I know that. It is hurt because it is matter, right? It is okay if your heart hurt a little, it is really okay. It just means that is your feelings were genuine. But, when you make your decision to leave us, leave Hanbin, it was not okay. I know you just want to fulfil what Hanbin want. But, is it really what Hanbin want? Is it, Jiwon? No, right? Both of you were broken this time. Both of you were hurt. We just need to fix this, okay?”

“Yunhyeonggie…”

I am still looking at him when he called my name. That time he was looking down and keep playing with his finger. Few second later, I heard he form a long breathe before shut his eyes. Tried harder to keep himself calm.

“Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside?”

Bobby asked, still close his eyes. His word, his tone of voice, his expression. Everything that form from him that time make me speechless. Make me feel all the sadness that keep grow day by day inside him. Make me want to protect this broken soul. Make me want to fight with anyone who broke him inside.

“You can’t fix someone who already broken…”

Once again I heard Bobby's voice. It make me speechless. When he open his eyes and faced me, all I can see was painful, hurtful. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t bear to seeing Bobby so lost like this. I can’t bear to seeing him in this states anymore. He look so fragile, so broken. It make me wonder, how much pain Hanbin gave to him that make the strongest Kim Jiwon turn to this. How much suffer Bobby is that make him gave up on whatever you said to him…

***


	7. JUNG CHANWOO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am slowly giving up…”

**TEN** days after we arrived at Bobby-hyung's house. Various things have happened. And I know, more various things will happen later. From Hanbin-hyung passed out in front of my eyes, June got out of Bobby-hyung's room with his gloomy face, until I heard the conversation between Bobby-hyung and Yunhyeong-hyung when I approached Bobby-hyung room to asked them to join us for dinner.

“Yunhyeonggie…”

Bobby-hyung voice sound so low, so weak. It make me wonder, what really happen to him. I saw he slowly turned to himself few days ago. Not exactly like himself, but a little. I guess. And I felt glad when I saw Bobby-hyung try to slowly open his heart to Yunhyeong-hyung. I guess, that time maybe Bobby-hyung start to trust us again. Maybe, we can slowly persuade him to come back to us. But, why Bobby-hyung sound so cracked? Sound so broken?

“Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside?”

I heard Bobby-hyung asked, and his voice make me froze. Even though I am not seeing his face, I know how broken he is that time. Only by hearing his voice, I know how hurt he is. By listening to his voice, I know how suffer he is, how alone he is. At that moment, I knew Bobby-hyung that I know already gone. He was gone the day he left us. He was gone the day Hanbin-hyung said something he was supposed not to say.

“You can’t fix someone who already broken…”

Once again, Bobby-hyung voice approached me. His voice was like someone who really in pain. His voice was like someone who dying inside. His voice was like someone who broken apart. And once again, I know that I need to help this hyung. I need to do something to bring back my lovely hyung. I need to do something before we really lost him. But, when I faced Yunhyeong-hyung few minutes later, I felt like… broken. Yunhyeong-hyung expression was so sad. It make me wonder, how much pain Bobby-hyung felt to make all of us feel the same pain he was suffer, alone.

***

 **I** heard Hanbin-hyung small sobbed one day. I rushed to approach him, but suddenly my feet froze at my place when I heard familiar voice. So, I stay still and listen their deep conversation. I think I need to give them space for them to fix everything. Either Hanbin-hyung or Bobby-hyung, those both need to fix what they start to. This time I totally agreed with Jinan-hyung. No one else was able to fix this matter but both of them.

“I am sorry, Ji. I am sorry if my words hurt you. I am sorry. Please… it was not intentional. I know I have made you sad when I am supposed to make you feel ease. But Ji, I am truly sorry. Please, let me fix this. Give me a chance to fix this. Please Jiwon, come back to me…”

Hanbin-hyung said, with his cracked voice. I know he tried to make Bobby-hyung forgive him. I know he tried harder than before to make Bobby-hyung realize that he regret what was he done before. I know that time Hanbin-hyung already broken inside. But when I heard Bobby-hyung voice, I know that Bobby-hyung also broken inside. More than Hanbin-hyung do.

“I can’t, Bin. I know it was not intentional. I know… don’t say sorry to me… it was not your fault, really. It was just me. It just… everything I love is the everything I lose. I am the person who born to be broken, Bin… I am used to it…”

That time I can clearly heard Hanbin-hyung cried. When I make a move and started stepping on them, what I saw was sadness. I can see the pain that appeared on Bobby-hyung face. I can also saw how much he tried to not embrace Hanbin-hyung into his hug. I can clearly saw how suffer Bobby-hyung for seeing Hanbin-hyung in that states. And I can also saw how much Hanbin-hyung regrets what he was done to Bobby-hyung.

***

 **“I** wish I could just take all your pain and make it all go away, hyung. For now, the only thing I want is for you to be happy.”

I said to Bobby-hyung one day, when only both of us sit at the kitchen, alone. He smile a little, try to ease me. But I know, deep inside Bobby-hyung already broken. The strongest Kim Jiwon that I know was totally gone. The one that sitting with me now was different person. This one looked so soft… so fragile… The one who was staying with me right now looks so broken…

“I am happy right now, Chanu-ah… I am happy when I am with you…” Bobby said, before looking down.

“I know you are not, hyung. The moment you are smiling just to stop your tears from falling, I know you are not happy anymore.”

I said; make Bobby-hyung turn to me. And all I can see was sadness that form from his eyes. He seem speechless. Suddenly, he left his long breathe before shut his eyes. Tried harder to calm himself. That time I know how fragile Bobby-hyung is, and how words can easily shred his inside apart. It make me wonder, how many times have Bobby-hyung pretend that he is fine with his sadness smiles and bloodshot eyes.

When looking at Bobby-hyung smiles, I keep asked myself. What was I do when I saw him in this states? It was not my first time seeing Bobby-hyung smile that not reached his eyes. It was not my first time. And it make me think that saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it was like to feel worthless, and they do not want anyone else to feel like that.

“I tried my best, Chanu-ah… I tried so hard but its turn out that my best was not good enough. It hurts, Chanu-ah. It hurts every time I breathe.”

“I know hyung, but please… can you come back to us, to me, to Bin-hyung. He need you the most right now, hyung. If I can, I want to take all the pain that make both of you suffered. I want to throw all the sadness that glowing around both of you. If I can, I do hyung.”

I said, hoping that my words will make Bobby-hyung change his decision. Or at least make Bobby-hyung consider about getting back to us. I know, he already know that all of us need him. I know that he knew that iKON need him. More important is Hanbin-hyung need him. It just, all the pain he was suffering make him scared for make a decision that satisfied all of us.

“Sometimes, you have to give up on people, Chanu-ah. Not because you don’t care… but because they don’t care…”

***

 **THE** words of Bobby-hyung said a few days ago made me think, what else I should do to fix everything. The pain that Bobby-hyung has made him feel afraid to come back to us. But, I'm not willing to see Hanbin-hyung continually suffering like this. I can’t bear to see my two lovely brothers suffering from the mistake they did.

“What are you thinking, hyung?”

I asked one day, when I saw Bobby-hyung sitting in the kitchen. Since we are staying at his house, I often seeing Bobby-hyung sit alone. I also often seeing him watch Hanbin-hyung from afar. And I often seeing him smile alone when he sees Hanbin-hyung smiling. At that moment I knew, Bobby-hyung still cares about Hanbin-hyung. And Hanbin-hyung still has a special place in Bobby-hyung's heart.

“Nothing… I am not thinking anything,” said Bobby-hyung, weakly.

“You know you can tell me everything, right hyung?”

I said, make Bobby-hyung turned his gazed to my face. After that, he just form a sadness smile and letting out a long breathe. It feel like, he tried to ease all the pain inside him. It feel like he tried to fix all the broken piece that shred him apart. It feel like he tried to hold his tears for falling from his eyes. He tried to endure all of aches that he feel, but I know nothing can heal the pain Bobby-hyung felt. Only one person, Hanbin-hyung.

“It’s hurt, Chanu-ah…”

I heard Bobby-hyung voice, sound so cracked. I can see his broken heart breaks into another tiny piece. I know, every time we talked about this, or every time Bobby-hyung seeing Hanbin-hyung, his broken heart will shred apart. And this time, when we talked about this matter again, I already make Bobby-hyung heart broke again. But I need to…

“I know hyung. All of us know. I am sorry if we hurt you every time we talked about this. I am sorry if what Bin-hyung said to you killed you inside. I am sorry if I am not with you when you need me the most. I am sorry hyung…”

“It was not your fault, Chanu-ah… It was not everyone fault. It just me…It was me who need to be blame.”

That time when Bobby-hyung blame himself, I know his shattered heart already burst into different fragments. In this states, I know Bobby-hyung start to believe that everything happen was his fault. For once, I felt so broken when I saw Bobby-hyung eyes filled with tears, his hand tremble and his body shivered. And I know, Bobby-hyung cannot handle it anymore. It is too much to handle.

“Don’t blame yourself, hyung. I know, all of us know that it’s not your fault.”

I said while rushing to him and without me expecting, Bobby-hyung jump his body to my embrace and hug me tightly. The strongest Kim Jiwon looking so fragile in my hug. It make me feel that I need to protect this hyung. I don’t care what will happen later. From now on, I know that I need to protect this soft soul from all cost.

Few second later, all members gathered around us. They came at the perfect timing, I guess. Without Bobby-hyung expectation, all of us gathering around him and give him our best hug. We tried our best to tell him that we need him. We tried so hard this time to make sure he know how important he is in our life.

Bobby-hyung slowly release himself from our hug before wipes his tears and form a little smile. Whatever happen in his life, Bobby-hyung still keep smiling. Even though he is in pain, he still try to smile. It make me think that the prettiest smile hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain. Just like Bobby-hyung.

“I am sorry…” Bobby-hyung said; make all of us turned to him.

“Jiwonnie… it was not your fault. Not all of us fault. It just us against the world. So please, come back to us. Please Jiwonnie… we need you.”

I heard Yunhyeong-hyung voice, try to persuade Bobby-hyung. I can saw Bobby-hyung turned his gaze to us. He faces us one by one; from Yunhyeong-hyung to Jinan-hyung… to Donghyukkie to June… to me… and lastly to Hanbin-hyung. Suddenly I saw Bobby-hyung dropped his head, and his face glowing with sadness. He looks so helpless, so powerless. He tried to hold himself from falling apart.

“I am sorry, Yunhyeonggie… I am just… I am slowly giving up…”

I heard every word Bobby-hyung said, with all of his strength. I can see how struggle he is that time. I can see how hurt he is, how broken he is. Nothing can describe how suffer he is that time. It’s beyond repair. It’s beyond healing. It’s just too much. Bobby-hyung try to stand and his body tremble again. And few second later, I saw Bobby-hyung collapse.

***


	8. iKON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am sorry… and Thank you…”

**“I** am sorry, Yunhyeonggie… I am just… I am slowly giving up…”

They can heard every part of Bobby’s word and each word shred their hard into piece. They can see how struggle Bobby has to fight with his own feeling. They can see how hurt Bobby felt. How broken he is, how suffer he is. One by one of Bobby’s painful feeling appeared in front of their eyes. Word really can turned the strongest into weakest. Word really can killed the beautiful soul.

Bobby tried to stand with his shaky body, and they can see how struggle he is just for stand still. They can see how suffer he is when he seeing their face one by one. The way he faced them, with hope… with love… with care… with everything he had… Just as if it was the last time, he can face his beloved brothers. As if it was the last moment, he can stay close with them. As if it was the last goodbye before him, totally go… totally leave… totally disappeared…

“Thank you for the memories…”

Bobby said with his low tone, sound so slow, more like his whisper to himself. It seem like he cannot handle all the pain anymore. It seem like he cannot handle the entire wound that always deepen day by day anymore. It seem like he cannot handle all the hurt he felt anymore. Only God know how he feel. Only God know how he suffer. Only God know how his heart full of sadness. And it seem like he need to let it go.

They can see Bobby’s soul cracked into piece the moment he said that. They can see Bobby’s heart burst into divergent piece the moment he faced all of them. They can see Bobby’s eyes encircling with the sadness the moment he form a small smile. And they can see how Bobby’s body slowly falling down after that. He fall, and he bring all the sadness with him. He fall, and he take all of the pain with him. He fall, and he clutch all of the suffering with him.

“Jiwon…please wake up! Please!”

***

 **FIVE** days after Bobby passed out, he slowly recover. However, the doctor said his disease getting worst. He need to undergo the treatment before it was too late for him. They know it was the time for Bobby to going back to Korea. It was the time for Bobby to continue his treatment. It was the time for them to fix everything, to repair the broken friendship between them, to repair the broken soul that they cracked before, to getting back piece-by-piece of Bobby’s feeling that split into different fragments.

“Jiwonnie…”

Said Yunhyeong when he saw Bobby sitting alone at his kitchen. It make Bobby turned to faced Yunhyeong and form a little smile. Bobby’s face still pale, but not as pale as before. All members take turns to take care of Bobby. Always reminded him about his medicine. Always forced him when he refused to eat. Everyone tried hard to show Bobby their feeling for this soft rapper. They still care… they still love… they still not giving up with him… they still cannot bear for losing him…

“Are you mad at me?”

Yunhyeong question make Bobby shake his head repeatedly. He seem like he was thinking something, but Yunhyeong don’t know what it is. He keep watching him, try to seeing what inside his mind, his body, his soul. And all Yunhyeong can see only sadness. It make Yunhyeong asked himself, what could he do to erase all the pain that Bobby felt? What can he do to turn all the sadness into happiness? What can he do to getting back his Kim Jiwon?

“Are you sure, Jiwon?”

“I am not mad at you… I was never mad at you…”

Bobby said before dropped his head, looking down. After his discharge from hospital, Bobby keep his distant from his members. Before the incident, sometimes Bobby will approach Yunhyeong, Jinhwan, or Donghyuk. But no more. He always aware with his surroundings. He always stayed away from everyone. He acted as if he was a stranger in his own house.

“Then, what were you, Jiwonnie?”

“Hurt…”

Once again Bobby voice enter Yunhyeong ear, with his low tone. The tone that told you how hurt he is. The tone that told you how broken he is. The tone that told you how suffer he is. It has hurt him so much that he cannot feel anything else but pain. It broke his entire being. It wrecked him apart. It wound him deeply inside. It make Bobby think how useless he is… how helpless he is…

***

 **“PLEASE** give us chance, Bob… please forgive us, forgive Hanbin… please…”

Jinhwan said while approach Bobby and Yunhyeong at the kitchen. His eyes filled with tears. It make Bobby turned to him before turning around. Bobby see all his brothers stand still close to Jinhwan. That time he can see his brother’s sadness when he faced them one by one. That time he can feel the same pain his suffer inside his brothers. He can feel everything in his brothers. And when he turned to Hanbin, all he can see was suffer. Looking at Hanbin in these states is too heart breaking. Automatically guilty spread over Bobby’s heart.

Bobby started to stand up and move slowly towards Hanbin who was crying in silent. He looking at Hanbin eyes, digging for some truth. Hanbin eyes always honest. They will always telling the truth, and that was exactly what Bobby's looking for. The truth. When Hanbin stare back at Bobby's eyes and telling the truth, Bobby feel like… breathing.

“Hanbinnie…” Bobby said, still looking at Hanbin.

Hanbin stay silent. He didn’t answer. He tried to calm himself. He tried to ease his mind. He need to prepare mentally and physically what was Bobby going to say. Either good or bad, he need to prepare. And he need to prepare his heart for the worst.

“Can you hug me, please?”

Once again, Bobby voice enter Hanbin ear. Without thinking, he jump his body and hug Bobby tightly. There are so much word could do but one hug can tell everything. Just enough to let them know it was the time to letting go. It was the time to fix everything. It was the time to start a new journey. It was the time to create some beautiful memory. Again. All that happened is just an experience to teach them, to mature them. To make their friendship better. To remind them that they will always there for each other.

***

 **“I** am sorry for that I only mess things up. I am sorry that I have a bad attitude. I am sorry that I am a waste of space, waste of time. I am sorry I am such a burden. I am sorry I am a huge fuck up. I am sorry I am a jerk. I am sorry I can’t do anything right. I am sorry for worried all of you. I am sorry because I ran away from my reality. I am sorry I am try to giving up. I am sorry because I am the cause of all the pain. I am sorry for not listening what you guys trying to say to me. I am sorry… truly sorry.”

Bobby said once all of them sitting comfortably in the living room. It was happened the day after they arrived at Korea. That time Bobby agree to come back to them, to iKON. That time Bobby promise to continue his treatment. That time Bobby consent to return to himself, to make everything just like before.

“There’s no sorry nor thank you in friendship, Ji… but I want to say thank you. Thank you for forgive us, forgive me. Thank you for trust us back. Thank you for accept us back. Thank you for come to us back. Thank you for giving us chance to fix everything together. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for letting us enter your life again. Thank you for everything, hyung. Thank you…”

Hanbin said while form a huge smile. He feel glad, he feel happy. Everything turn to back, as normal as before. Even though there absolutely no normal people in iKON. All that has happened make them more mature. All that has happened make them stronger. All that has happened make them remember, not the word of the enemies, but the silence of the friends that can killed someone. They cannot change the past, but they can start a new chapter with a beautiful ending. Only them. Seven of them.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End~~ I hope you enjoy this story!


End file.
